Thankful Anyway

Holidays are tough. I forever think of our daughter who will never be at our table. Never be underfoot in the kitchen as I make the holiday meal. Never be arguing with me over how often to baste the turkey or question why I make stuffing from a box. (Because Stove Top is amazing. Just saying.) As I feed her baby brother pureed foods, I wonder what morsels she would favor this year. Would she like sweet potatoes as much as I do? Would she like mashed potatoes with or without gravy? Would she sit and chew forever on a single piece of turkey like her big sister does? Every holiday, and this Thanksgiving is no exception, I find myself thinking of her incessantly. Oh, Harlynn, how I wish you were here with us.

In that despair of not having her here, I'm able to still find myself in the spirit of Thanksgiving. I'm still grateful for all we have, all we've learned, and all we've gained.

I drove to the cemetery the other day to spend some time sharing with Harlynn. I often take the long way home so I can visit with her about whatever comes to mind. I brushed the snow off her headstone and looked around. I saw a gorgeous, big, buck muley. He was quite handsome, and he was a sight to behold. A nice six pointer, he stared my direction and our eyes met. I saw his breath slowly rising up from his nostrils as he measured my potential threat level. I stood still, holding my breath in my throat, wondering if he was the least bit impressed with my stature, as I was with his. Soon enough, he grew tired of our stand-off, and continued on his way. Did you see that, Harlynn?! Eventually, I loaded myself back into the car and drove around to the gate, where I was greeted by a flock of tom turkeys. They patrolled the grounds searching for morsels and purpose.  They strutted confidently by as I slowly drove past.  I'm thankful when I go to the place that represents the worst time of my life, there is still beauty. There is still a majestic peace. There is still always something to appreciate.

Last year, I made an executive decision regarding our holidays. I decided we would spend them without company. Thanksgiving, Christmas - we were by ourselves in our little home. And I loved it. I needed it. This year, I'm opening myself up again. We're going to be with others. I'm tentative, I'm hesitant, and I'm unsure. But I'm also ready. We'll be with people who love us, and if I get choked up or despondent, they'll understand. If I have to check out for a bit, they won't hold it against me. I'm thankful for their understanding.

And in those moments where I miss my baby girl, I have moments still that pull my heart in the other direction. Moments that fill me even as I am reminded of what I ache for. Being able to spend every morning at home with my littles has given me experiences I will cherish forever. I've been so sick so much recently - the latest bout having me on the sofa with the flu. My home is in shambles all around me because I was too weak to get up, let alone clean or put anything away. Little Miss wanted to entertain herself with music. The Lion King soundtrack, to be exact. I sat, perched in my sofa spot, and witnessed the following. I cannot tell you the joy it brought to me. Sick as I was, my heart swelled as I watched her full of life, completely embracing her moment. 

Our holiday table, and every meal we have, will forever have one person missing. But I'm thankful she is not forgotten. I'm thankful she has two siblings here who give me more joy than I'm worthy of receiving. I'm thankful I got to hold her precious body in my arms for those fleeting moments after her birth. I'm thankful I'm Harlynn's mom. I'm thankful we get to be the family to love her forever.

1,000 Words Worth

I have this thing about becoming overwhelmed. I'm not sure how the expectations or pressures seem to stack up, but they do, I feel like I'm failing somehow, and then I just shut down. Then, something happens to knock me out of my slump, I kick some productivity butt, and then the downward slope starts again. Maddening.

Lately, though, I've been able to counter the feelings of failure and shortcoming by focusing on the blessings I have. I "pause and reflect" (that's for you, Tiff) and really try to soak in the moments going on right then, so I can be present and appreciative of what's happening now, rather than fretting about what may or may not be in the future. As such, I take a lot of pictures. So, as "a picture is worth 1,000 words", allow me to post the longest blog in history - using the stories of pictures.

Elsa and her ice gloves, watching some Veggie Tales

Elsa, holding on to her coronation items, with her ice gloves

Heston's dedication, he reached his hand to my face, I kissed it, and our friend snapped this photo.

She's wearing her "Instruction Thing" so she can give instructions.

At lunch she asked, "Want to take a picture of me praying?" Duh!!

He does this thing when he's mad, where he tries to eat his right arm. Always his right arm, never his left.

Snuggling with me, so I went to take a picture, and she resorted to posing.

Gymnastics wore her out.

Gymnastics wore brother out, too.

He is not a snuggler, so this was extra special morning time!

My two favorite goofballs. Every time she hugged him, he would turn and look at me like, "Are you seeing this?"

~*Heavy Sigh*~

This morning I woke up with a sore throat and achy ears. No warning, no gradual decline of health; I just opened my eyes and realized I was down for the count. The burning in my throat felt as if I could have produced fire when opening my mouth. I suppose there are worse things than being a dragon... I was supposed to be on nursery duty at church, but since I'd never forgive myself if I got one of those littles sick, I stayed home. 

I wish I could say I was able to relax and rest, but that was not the case. It was no different from any other day at home with both children, save for the fact that I felt like doo, and was not necessarily up to life-per-usual. Little Miss wanted to play out very scripted scenarios, ("Mama, how about you are the Queen Mother, and I am the princess and you tell me.... how about you tell me that... tell me that you're going to plan a royal ball, and then I have to buy a new dress and shoes, and then when the....when the....um....when the um.... when the prince....when he.....um....when the pri - when he comes, then you tell him to.....") Little Man fussed and rolled, and pivoted, and rolled, and fussed, and whined, and ate, and fussed, and wanted to be held. Not entertained, just held. Upright, facing forward, and able to reach something with which to put his slobbery hands all over. So I treated myself to some Airborne.

My Airborne cocktail. 

Someone has not slept all. day. long. 

Even though I was worn totally ragged, Little Miss was being adorable. And this happened. And it makes me giggle, even though giggling hurts my throat. It's hilarious, even if it is the 2348702938740298374th video we have that ends with, "Can we watch it now?"

~*Heavy Sigh*~ Even when I'm feeling overwhelmed by life, these moments are just too precious to not appreciate. Thank you for the giggles, Little Miss. Mama loves you.