I have been having a hard go of it the last several weeks. My emotional filter is non-existent. I feel everything to the extreme. I'm either very happy, very angry, or very sad. Not usually anything in between. The slightest thing can set me off and send me spiraling. Mostly, it's all been work related. It makes sense, I mean, I spend most of my time at work and am surrounded by ridiculous people and situations on a daily basis. I'm not complaining, because it's part of the territory. I'm confident when I somewhat return to normal - and I pray that I will - I will be better apt to handle said ridiculous scenarios. For now, however, it's a daunting and exhausting experience. It's not so much an emotional roller coaster as it is a ride to the left or right of the horizontal emotional spectrum. And seriously, 98% of it is work related.
I rather enjoy being pregnant for the record. There are things that are difficult to deal with - like the rhinitis, the weight gain, the water retention, and the explosive growth of body hair (my cheeks have beard tufts. You think I'm kidding.). But all in all, this is an incredible experience, and one I can absolutely sit and relish in for a while. I love feeling her move. I love watching my belly pop out and change shapes. I love eating ice cream. I love my husband reading bedtime stories to his soon-to-be-born-daughter. I love singing "you are my sunshine" to my belly. I love full-belly maternity pants. I love being helped to put my shoes and socks on because I can't bend over without losing my balance. Okay, not really loving that, but it is funny sometimes. Sometimes, it's freeing to say what's on my mind and get away with it because, "she's pregnant, just let her rant." I really enjoy being pregnant.
But sometimes it's scary. I always question whether or not I'll be a good mom. Whether I'll be able to devote my time to a job that drives me crazy, and then come home and give all I have to a kid and husband I'm crazy about. Will I ever fit into those old clothes again? Will I raise my child - God's child - to know Him and trust Him? What am I doing that could harm my baby? Is there more I can do to help my baby?
Today was scary in particular. I had come back from lunch and rounded the back of my car walking to the entrance of our building. This morning we had received a wet skiff of snow. I stepped in the wrong spot - ice - and immediately went down. I slammed on to my left side, scraping up my arm and leg, and jarring myself so severely, I pulled something in my right side. Naturally there were about four cars driving by right then to witness the whole thing. I'm wearing Brent's coat this winter - it's huge - and no one can tell I'm pregnant. Just a clumsy girl in a buffalo coat. I got myself up and gingerly walked into work. My pants were covered with dirty snow. I had ice in my purse, on my keys, and my hand was bloodied. I brushed myself off and hobbled to my desk. Adrenaline had saved me from feeling much of any pain, but I was worried. Did I hurt Ziggy? Is she okay? I pretty much landed on her head. Move, Ziggy, Move. Kick mama. God please, let her kick. The adrenaline started to wear off and I felt sore. Everywhere. My back especially. My right side, left hand and elbow, were all throbbing. I grabbed my belly. Move, Ziggy! Please! It was a good 30 minutes, but I felt one kick. One little kick. Do it again. About ten minutes later I felt another one. I started to feel better.
I called the OB nurse line and left a message, asking to be called back. I knew I was fine and I knew my baby was fine, but I wanted to hear a medical professional say so. The nurse, my favorite from our first appointment, returned my call. I told her what happened and she said, "So you hit your belly, then." Enter sinking feeling in heart. She said she was going to double check with the doctor, but she thought I should come in immediately and be monitored for a while. Those weren't the words she was supposed to say. She was supposed to say that pregnant women fall all the time, and babies are always okay, and I shouldn't worry, but I should be more careful, and haha, isn't that funny that I fell? She double checked with the doctor and told me so long as there is no bleeding or cramping, and so long as I feel movement, I should be okay. She told me to go drink some fruit juice and lay on my side for an hour to count kicks. If I didn't feel anything significant, I needed to go in right away.
I came home, drank some orange juice and slid into bed. In fifteen minutes, I felt Ziggy kick me six times. Then I fell asleep. I didn't mean to, but I guess the events of the day had worn me out. I woke up in time to read a text message from Brent that I needed to pick him up from work for his dinner break. (his car has been out of commission for over a week, but that's another story for another day.)
I've felt her move twice since going to get Brent. I plan on taking a hot bath and trying to relieve my soreness from the fall. Then I plan to lay on my side and count kicks. At least until I fall asleep - knowing that we're both okay.