It's been 18 weeks. I find myself unable to comprehend how time has the capacity to continue - to forge ahead - while I am constantly re-living the same moment over and over and over again. The moment we learned her heart wasn't beating.
I can still see the ultrasound screen. I still smell the hospital smells. I still hear myself crying out. I still taste the salty tears. I still hear the silence.
That moment changed everything for me. For my family. It changed Brent's and my relationship. It changed how we parent Haley. It changed how we worship. How we pray. It changed our social lives. It changed our priorities. That moment changed everything. Yet while I am frozen in time, the world continues to move at full speed around me.
Tonight during bedtime prayers, Haley prayed that God would take us to Heaven when we want to go there, and that he would help us to spend time "with our baby sister." These are the times when my heart fills and breaks simultaneously. I didn't know it was possible for a heart to do that, but it has done so several times over these last 18 weeks. A couple of weeks ago, I saw a man who looked to be in his mid 40s get out of a pickup truck and search around for an infant headstone. He found it, knelt beside it a while, touched it, and left. The grave stones in the area he was are from the 1960s. I'm convinced he was a brother. Seeing that gave me pause. Will that be Haley one day? Will she be visiting her sister's grave after 50 years? How long must we wait until forever comes?
Haley's sitter ("Granny") told me some women were talking to Haley at the park one day. They asked if she had a sister and Haley answered them matter-of-factly. She does have a sister, but her "sister is dead." My three year old, breaking the news. Another heart-filling-and-breaking-simultaneously moment. I'm so proud of her for holding on to her sister's short little life. For mentioning her. For claiming her. Yet it breaks me to pieces that Haley has to share that story.
To everyone else, it's been 18 weeks. Most don't even want to remember it happened. But to me, it has been a series of moments. Moments I don't want to have to experience but since they're all I have, I cling to them with gratitude.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. I know this to be true. Even during the moments I cry out in desperate pleas of brokenness, he is definitely with me. He is definitely near. And to him....time is irrelevant. Eighteen weeks are but the blink of an eye. And no matter how long a road it feels for me, I can look back and see - when I went through it kicking and screaming, crawling, dragging my heels - he has been with me for every second. Every moment. Every facet of time.
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My love for you and Harlynn are immeasurable. My pain because of that love is also immeasurable.
ReplyDeleteMom
After reading this blog Val I am completely and forever changed. Because you see I feel exactly the same. Val I remember the very moment Mauriana's little heart was found to be not beating. I remember everything about it as well from my cries to God asking him why he could do this to me and let alone do this to me again? I thought everything was gonna be OK I carried my precious baby girl to 36 weeks and 1 day she should have been here with me. I should be doing all those motherly things that a mother would do. Instead I have empty arms and pieces missing from my heart.
ReplyDeleteAfter 32 hours of labor I had a 6 lb 7 oz 20.5 inch beautiful baby girl who deserved to live. I would have given her the world. I miss her and my son Grayson so much.I am forever changed after giving birth to them. There is this instant bond and unconditional love that I never new I could have for anyone. The pain hurts so bad and its so unfair. I wish things would have been different. I wish this momma had full arms instead of empty and the emptiness I feel inside.. I go about my day and I play it out like I am fine but really I am dying inside.
When you were talking about your daughter missing her and wantingand praying to go see her it melted my heart. I wish that everyday. Since Mauri's only whole sibling is in heaven I really don't know if someone would be there to miss her as a sibling would. Because in my situation my angels babies have half siblings and I am not sure they have completely accepted them. I could be wrong but its how I feel. My wish would that their siblings will one day keep their brother and sisters memory alive long after Steve and I are gone.
On July 14rh my Mauri would have 1 month old.It feels like it was yesterday that I gave birth to her.I miss her so much. so Mauriana Grace and Grayson Mark take those shiny angel wingsand surround your family because we need to know your here.
Val iI know the bible says that the lord is near to the brokenhearted and I hope he is because I need his strength to get through this...lord thank you for giving me my support system, my family, this blog, and Val and Michelle Warren.
Amen
Miranda H
Miranda, I am so, so sorry to hear of your losses. I heard someone say last night in regard to a loss, "We're healed but we're not all better". I just pray that God will help you and all those mothers like you to feel His peace and healing. He is the Great Physcian. Mauri and Garyson are up there with Harlynn and so many others that we know and don't know.
ReplyDeleteSandy
Sandy,
ReplyDeleteThank you for taking the time to read my comment and think of all of us that have lost angels.Just seeing you mentioning there names makes me happy :) It's a peace and comfort that surrounds my heart when people other then myself mentions their names because in that very moment it feels like their alive. So Sandy thank you, thank you for bringing them to life if only for a moment. :)
Miranda H
I learned about your blog from a friend I met at Faith's Lodge this past weekend. Unfortunately we all belong to the bereaved parents club. I lost my baby girl Emily 6-28 and I am still reeling from her loss. She was stillborn at 37 wks. I think I had been in denial until Faith's Lodge. I would grieve for her, but it would be hidden away because I didn't want to upset anyone. Things changed there. I met parents that understood. There was no need to explain. They just got it. As did the grief counselor. Before I went I thought and called myself crazy. Now i know that I am just grieving. Since I found your blog this afternoon, I have read all your entries. I am so sorry about your loss of Harlynn. Reading your blog today has helped me in a way that I think you will appreciate. I have been so tired of people saying God took Emily because he needed an angel. I have been SO angry with God. The only time I will talk about him is to reassure my 2 year old that baby sister is in heaven with God and Callie (our cat). But truthfully I haven't believed or embraced that myself. How could I get any relief knowing Emily is with God when I kept saying to myself that he took her and I was angry with him. Reading your blog tonight made me realize that Emily's heart stopped. God didn't stop it or take her. Things happen in life. God is there to help us through those times. But he doesn't cause them. I hope to keep telling myself that. Thank you for writing the words in your blog that I needed to see. Losing Emily just sucks! There is no way to describe it and I will never be able to write like you and describe what I feel. But I am interested in learning more about becoming a bereavement doula. I had great support from the nurses that took care of me. Not so much from the doctors that did. I would like to be a person who could help other parents, as well as someone who can help teach the medical community more about supporting a bereaved parent during the loss of their child. I think the lack of support from my doctors has affected me the most because I am a doctor as well. Luckily I had the resources to get the help I need. I don't like the fact that other women and men don't have the resources I did and if I could help someone else, maybe that will help me remember and honor my Emily.
ReplyDeleteChristine, if I could give you an understanding hug, I certainly would. Though we share the hope of Heaven, it has never seemed so far away. My prayer is that the Lord would come swiftly - take us all - so I don't have to live without my entire family in my reach. I can sense your pain, your heartache, your desire to sort it all out. I will gladly share information on doula training with you. If you go to "Harlynn's Heart" on Facebook, our email information is in our About section. You can contact me through there and I will email you the resources. Godspeed, Christine. <3 ~Val
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