To My Unborn Child

Dear little one,

You are so very loved. And such a blessing. And we can't wait to meet you. Our prayer - our fervent, desperate prayer - is that we get to meet you, keep you, bring you home with us, and introduce you to the crazy that is your family. 

You see, eight months ago today, I delivered your older sister, Harlynn. She passed away before we ever had the chance to hold her. We still held her, loved on her, kissed her, but she was gone. The past eight months have sent us - your mommy, daddy, and big sister Haley - on a journey we never could have anticipated. It has been more than a roller coaster. A roller coaster straps you in, throws you for a few loops, then stops and you get off. There is no end to this ride. The ride just changes over time. There are still loops. There are peaks and valleys. There are whirlwinds of despair and confusion, and there are lulls of peace and hope. And the ride continues forever.

I knew in my heart we were supposed to try for you. I thought for sure it would take a while for you to begin your existence. It turns out I thought wrong. You came into existence right away. 

I want you to know a few things. One: you are a blessing to us. We love you for you, and are excited to learn about who you are, who you'll be, and what makes you you.  Two: there will never be another you. You are unique, knit together by the Maker of all.  Three: we want you to know, believe, and understand, that though the circumstances that brought you to us were completely unexpected, you were prayed for and anticipated from the beginning of time. Your arrival fills us with such hope and joy.

Your sister Harlynn will always mean so much to us. We will do whatever we can, whenever we can, for as long as we can, to remember her and celebrate the time she was here with us. We want you to know about her, speak of her, and remember her with us. She isn't here, but she will always be a part of our family's life. Her stocking will hang every year, though it will remain unfilled. Her birthday will not pass by without acknowledgement and ceremony. Her name will be a permanent fixture in our family. And we know she would have been as good a big sister to you as Haley will be. We trust and believe she knows in her heavenly heart how much she is loved by us, and we trust and believe she loves each of us - especially you.

It's been a difficult eight months. Half of this time I've been pregnant with you. I don't think I'm good at managing emotions, and though I can't really express everything I've felt, these last four months especially, I don't ever want you to feel like you were an afterthought, that you were dreaded, or that we only want you because your sister is gone.

The truth is, we've always wanted you. We are scared, yes, but not because of your existence. We're scared because we want to do whatever we can to make sure you're healthy, happy, and whole - and we don't know how to do anything different to make that a guarantee. We're scared we will fail you somehow. We want to be the best parents we can be - to you, to Haley, and even to Harlynn. 

I've been feeling you move some lately, and it gives me such peace. Haley asks about you all the time. She talks to you, hugs you, and keeps waiting for you to talk back to her. I know you'll agree she's the best big sister a little sibling could ask for. 

So while we navigate these waters, I ask for your patience, your grace, and ultimately your forgiveness. We'll do things wrong, we'll panic unnecessarily, we'll be overly protective of you. Regardless, though, we want to bless you as you have blessed us.

I guess if there's one thing I want you to take from this rambling, it's this: we love you. We love you. We love you.

You have the love of your daddy, sister, and me. You have the love of your sister from the other side of heaven. And most importantly, you have the love of our Lord who has gifted you to us for a determined amount of time. I only hope and pray His determined time is as long or longer than my own for you.

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