Little Miss is sleeping soundly next to me, holding tightly to my arm. Her faint, but audible, snoring is music to my ears. Little Man is having a dance party in-utero, and its visible from the outer boundaries of my ever-growing belly. The wind is howling outside as we're under our third blizzard warning in a week, with another to come on Sunday. I can tell you, though, there is no way I would rather be spending a Friday night. Snuggling, admiring, and reciprocating the love of my little ones.
This week marked a new beginning for our household. I started my new job that allows me the flexibility to work from home and be a mother first, while still providing the challenges I need to feel like a contributing member of society. Haley has only mentioned daycare a couple of times, and mostly wants me to read to her, or dress up with her. Her number one priority is listening to the Frozen soundtrack 30490915 times a day. The good news is, it's a wonderful arrangement and she is a delight to watch in action singing along to the songs. The bad news is I wake up with the songs already playing in my head, and it's only a matter of time before my only capability to communicate is limited to singing one of the songs as it relates (or doesn't) to any given circumstance.
The job itself, however, has proven amazingly fun and engaging and I can't believe I wasn't doing this sooner. The bosses aren't so bad, either. That's another story for another day, but these people are dear to us and I'm thrilled to be in contact with them on a daily basis. They will grow tired of my sarcasm and "drive" (read: control issues), but for now they seem pretty fired up to have me.
It's been a week of mothering delights, challenges, and new milestones. It's been a week of career successes, adventures, and new goals. As it winds down and we enter the weekend, I can't help but feel blessed and filled with a sense of peace and - dare I say - contentment, that I haven't felt in quite some time.
I caution to share my excitement and enthusiasm, however. I always fear when people see me happy, they'll think it is synonymous with being fully recovered. Over it. Beyond my "previous" despair. Losing Harlynn is a life-altering event. Her loss will always grieve me, deeply. However, losing her has also taught me a new perspective, how to enjoy things more thoroughly, and in a nutshell, how to feel everything to the absolute extent to which it can be felt.
I have thought of Harlynn several times daily during this week. Would she be trying to crawl? Would she be sleeping through the night? Would she have a craving for chocolate-covered donuts, since that was all I wanted while pregnant with her? Haley always wants pancakes, and that was the one thing I wanted, and could tolerate eating, during my pregnancy with her. If that pattern rings true, I imagine Little Man will be a big fan of chili dogs and chips with guacamole. What would Harlynn's personality be, as a middle child? Would she try to get her siblings in trouble? Or would she be their scapegoat? I'm grateful to know you the way I do, Harlynn. I long for the day I can know you in eternity.
The time at home, and spent with Haley, has allowed me a lot of reflection. I've kept up on my Bible reading, tried to be a more engaged mommy, and have enjoyed even the frustrating moments of parenting. Just yesterday morning I told Haley she had to let Mommy enjoy her "pretend coffee" (decaf) before she could continue telling incessant stories. But oh, how sweet it was that she was so excited to talk to me. I don't do mornings. Haley is most active in them. I'm going to have to shift my waking up practices, I can tell.
One week down. Many more to come. God has answered a prayer we started praying a very long time ago, and has once again shown me that His timing might be a little better suited for us than our own.
Even through consecutive blizzards, even through the lumps that still rise up in my throat, and even through the challenges that seem to knock the wind clean out of me, He is there. He is leading. He is helping to keep me stable.
Trust in the Lord forever,for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal.
~ Isaiah 26:4 ~
Haley watching her reflection in the stove window, reenacting Frozen....