I'm on my third cup of coffee. This is abnormal in the sense I usually don't have more than two cups, and I definitely don't drink coffee past noon. It's a day for exceptions, I guess. I'm perched in my "thinking spot", formerly known as my "bed rest spot" on the sofa, staring out the window. This is not abnormal. I spend quite a bit of time in this spot. Today, however, looking out the window, I'm overcome with a sense of dread. I'm not entirely sure why. Perhaps it is because the rain is falling steadily outside, and there is no sunshine to be seen. Perhaps it's because the leaves and grass that once were so bold with lush, green life, are fading into that all-too-familiar yellow. Fall is upon us. I have a hard time with fall. Granted, it is one of my favorite seasons, once it finally arrives. The transition from August to September is what I most struggle with. Saying farewell to summer is never something I look forward to. August is also the month I became pregnant with both Little Miss and Harlynn. September is when school starts, and I will now forever have that missing "first day of ___" picture. Yes....fall. How I hate to love thee.
So today I sit and sip. Three cups of coffee.
I've been unsure of what to post about my grief journey, mostly because I've been unsure about what I'm experiencing in it. I'm nearly a year and a half out from the worst day of our lives, and some moments are filled with hope and restoration and other moments are filled with anger and despair. It really is a moment-to-moment walk these days, and neither type lasts long enough to give me a sense significant enough to journal about.
So today I sit and sip.
I'm also in between jobs right now. I say in between, though I haven't found that "next" one yet. Sometimes things just happen so swimmingly and then once you run a few laps in the pool you discover there's no more water. That's more or less what happened this go-round. I'm trusting the Lord has already found that perfect way for me to contribute to my family's well-being financially and still be able to be home with my children, however. Surely I wouldn't have spent the last eight months at home just to give it all up and go back to what was my life before. Trusting....trusting.... Call me selfish or entitled, but I can't let go of the sense that since I had no choice in Harlynn leaving us, I shouldn't have to leave my children every day to go to a job that could never compare in fulfillment to being with them. If I can do something - anything - to work, be here for their needs, teach them about ethics and responsibility, be both present and productive, I don't see how anyone could lose out in that. The trick is finding that perfect fit, or maybe, the trick lies in believing it exists. (And just to be clear, no, providing childcare for other children in my home is not that perfect fit.) I would ask that you join me in prayer, and that God would reveal how I can bring Him glory in this. Certainly sitting here being bummed about it isn't the answer, but it's all I've got for this blog post, anyway.
The good news is, I know the sun is still shining above these gloomy rain clouds today. I can't see it, but it's still there. I serve a God who has promised to care for me more than He already cares for the birds of the air. (Matt 6:26) Despite my feeling like I'm burdening my family more than caring for them at times, I know God has already figured this out.
The good news is, I am still home, still able to snuggle my Little Man and revel in his newly-discovered giggles. I can watch him roll around aimlessly on the floor and he explores what he's capable of doing. I can help Little Miss color, though she needs no help from me. The girl is a spectacular color-er. I can cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner for my family. I can be the last thing they see before nap time and the first thing they see when they wake up. I can do laundry on cloudy days and soak up the warmth of towels straight from the dryer when there is no sunshine to bask in.
I can sit and sip three cups of coffee.
I feel better already. God's got this. Something will happen and it will be amazing and I'll come back to this blog post and wonder what in the world I was so down about. There may be rain and gloom outside, but my Hope is on high ground. Besides, a little water never hurt anybody.