I had a different idea to write about today. I feel like I'm supposed to share this instead, though.
October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am aware of it every day. Since losing Harlynn, the research I've done and stats I've been given have left me completely speechless. The growing number of parents in this club is not only heartbreaking, but the fact that it continues to grow at all is astounding. Are we not in a day and age where we can keep babies alive? Are we so far medically behind we cannot help families keep their most precious asset?
I am going to be exceptionally vulnerable and reflect on where I was before I lost Harlynn, and where I went soon after. Below are two entries from my prayer journal.
April 8th, 2013
Dear Heavenly Father,
I'm getting closer to delivering and can sense it should happen soon. Please help the delivery of this baby girl go smoothly, healthily, and quickly. We are very anxious to enjoy her outside of me. Thank you so much, Lord, for a healthy, normal pregnancy. It has been a gift and such a testimony to your grace and glory.
Please be with Brent and Haley as we transition from a family of three to four. Allow everyone to feel loved, respected, and attended to as we begin this new chapter of our lives. Thank you so much for my family and the tremendous blessing each of them is to me.
These things I pray in your name,
May 28th, 2013
The last entry was the night before we learned Harlynn's heart had stopped beating. These days since losing our precious daughter have been nothing short of difficult. I am still so very devastated. I would give anything to be able to tell a different story and share her with the world. I am sharing her with the world - but not at all in the way I anticipated.
In all of this, I have become acutely aware of how richly and deeply Brent and I are loved. By family, by friends, by complete strangers - you have used people to surround us and support us in ways we could never have imagined. Thank you. Thank you for the love and kindness of others. Thank you for the continued showing of love and support from the people you've placed in our lives. Thank you for loving us enough to surround us with these generous and compassionate people.
Lord, I don't know what or how to ask you about Harlynn. Please fill her little heart every day - every moment - with the love we have for her. Assure her constantly how much we love her and long to be with her. Give her a window now and again to see her family. If it's appropriate, please let her visit me in my dreams - and visit me often. I miss her so much, Lord. I ache in every sense for not having her here with me. Please let me see her in my dreams. Give me glimpses of her throughout my days.
Forgive me. Be merciful to me. Help me as I walk this road. Bless my family - bless our precious Harlynn.
In your name,
That was the last time I prayed for several months. I couldn't let myself go there. I couldn't let myself be strong enough to be vulnerable. Wherever you are, wherever you've been, whatever you've done, whatever you've lost, it's okay to be honest when your lot is not what you wanted. When I started to pray again, my prayers weren't this timid or reverent. They were filled with despair, anger, and complete brokenness. Even so, they were still heard. He heard me. He hears me. He hears you too.